


What about today?

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: First Time, Introspection, M/M, Running Away, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 06:47:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14743943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: Hikaru was lying still on his bed.He was afraid of turning to the other side, afraid of what he was going to see.In his mind, blurred images on the night before weren’t giving him rest, while all he wanted was for them to go away, to leave him be, to stop tormenting him.





	What about today?

Hikaru was lying still on his bed.

He was afraid of turning to the other side, afraid of what he was going to see.

In his mind, blurred images on the night before weren’t giving him rest, while all he wanted was for them to go away, to leave him be, to stop tormenting him.

He clenched his fists over the sheets, forcing himself to turn his head.

And he was sure now that none of those images was fake.

Yuya was still sleeping.

His face looked relaxed, the hint of a smile on it, his hair a mess and the sheets barely covering him up to his waist, leaving the rest of his body naked.

Hikaru wanted to get up, get dressed and run, without having to look back.

He saw him shift a little and make a rambling noise, and all he could do was sigh.

He didn’t know how they had ended up like that.

He had always tried to avoid it.

He had known Yuya since they were teen-agers, he had always had a nice connection with him, and it hadn't taken them long to become friends.

Just like Hikaru had straight away caught the signals coming from the elder, nuances of his attitude telling him that there was something more, that Yuya wanted it to go another way, one that Hikaru wasn’t ready nor willing to take.

Lately, he found him attractive, and that was for sure.

And he liked to spend his time with him more than he did with anybody else.

But he didn’t love him, and that was it.

He didn’t love him, and that was why he had always refused to take on the subject with him, who had never said a word about it anyway.

And now they were in that bed together, naked, and the pictured in Hikaru’s mind didn’t leave room for misunderstanding.

He had moved into that apartment a couple of months ago; he didn’t feel comfortable there, he didn’t like to come back home and not having anyone there, not having anyone to ask about his day, listening to him, be there at need.

He missed the dorms, he missed Kota.

And the thought that the elder was with Kei hurt more than he cared to show even to himself, but he had tried to get over it until now.

The night before, when he had asked Yuya over for dinner, he had crumbled down.

He remembered he had felt worse than usual, that he had thought he didn’t deserve that loneliness, that he had looked at Yuya and had seen in him his chance to finally feel close to somebody, to get rid of that feeling of emptiness.

He had gotten closer and had kissed him, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. And for the whole kiss he had kept hoping that the elder would've rejected him, that he would've told him he was pathetic, that what he was doing wasn’t fair on either of them, because nothing good could’ve come from it.

But Yuya hadn't.

He had let himself be kissed and had kissed him back, he had touched and had been touched, never stopping, never allowing him time to talk, as if he was afraid that it could all be over.

When clothes had started slipping off of them, Hikaru had stopped for a moment, feeling his heart beating too fast in his chest.

He had wondered if that’s how he truly wanted things to go, if that’s how he wanted to remember the first time he had sex with someone.

He hadn't found an answer, and had kept going.

Because he knew who he wanted to be with, he knew how he would've wanted for it to happen, he knew it because he had spent the last years of his life imagining it.

He had always thought about Kota, about how his hands would've felt on him, how it would've felt to be so close to him, feeling him inside, as if it was the most natural and simple thing in the world.

But it was never going to happen, and he had grown tired of chasing after a dream that day after day had become pure madness.

He had finished undressing Yuya and they had ended up on top of his bed, without even knowing how they had gotten there.

He had laid between his legs and had looked at him for a few moments, seeing both tension and expectation on his face, and hating himself for what he was doing to him.

Then, when he had finally gotten inside of him, he had refused to think about anything else.

He had hurt him, he was sure of it.

He had hurt him on a physical level, and he was going to hurt his feelings as well, but right then it hadn't seemed to matter.

He had liked that feeling, but seeing the few tears gathering at the corner of the elder’s eyes had made him feel guilty; when he had started moving though, pushing inside of him, it had all vanished.

He could feel him under and around himself, and it was so intense that he felt he was about to burst, to finally have suppressed that loneliness inside of himself, as if being so close to Yuya could actually prove to be useful.

He had murmured ‘I love you’ through clenched teeth, without realizing what he was doing; then he came inside of him, and finally knew what had happened.

They hadn't talked. They hadn't said a word.

Yuya had fallen asleep a few minutes later, with a blissful look on his face, and he had stayed awake for a while, thinking.

Thinking about that ‘I love you’, thinking about why he had said that, what use could it have if not that of hurting Yuya even more.

He had lied, out of instinct.

He had lied just because the elder had allowed him to be this close, just because he felt like he owed it to him, because he thought that was what the other wanted to hear from him.

He had lied for those caresses, for his touch, for the heaviness of his breathing, for his lips, for his body.

He had felt like crying.

And he had fallen asleep feeling dirty, uncomfortable in sleeping next to him, hearing his breathing pierce his ears, without letting him rest.

And now that he was awake, he still bore the marks of the past night, and the disgust for himself hadn't disappeared either.

He got up slowly, going toward his closet and getting dressed quickly.

He kept still for a moment, looking at Yuya.

He felt nothing.

Not for him, he couldn’t.

He headed toward the door, but as soon as he was out he heard him.

“Hikka?”

Yuya’s voice was heavy with sleep, hoarse, confused.

Hikaru kept still for a moment. He closed his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Yuya.” he murmured, too low for the elder to actually hear him.

And then he reached the front door and got out, without thinking about what he was leaving behind, without caring about those explanation he was going to have to give, sooner or later.

He wasn’t ready to face the weight of his own lies.


End file.
